Mom's turn: Phantom footsteps

The older I get the more I reminisce about what my mother would have been like at my age – I have outlived her age at her death by 4 years & 2 weeks now. Never seeing your mother grow old leaves the “wonder” factor wide open: I wonder if I look more or less like her the older I get,

do I see her in my smile?

I wonder if she would have “aged gracefully”, I wonder what health problems would have been genetic, I wonder if we would have gotten along as great as I do with my own daughter, I wonder if my personality is like hers as an adult, more than ever I wonder if she would have ever overcome her demons here on Earth. I have a great role model who jumped right in when she was needed and has guided me through most of life – my aunt! Since she was my mother’s sister, I have a vague idea about some of the looks, but they had totally opposite personalities. SO – back to wondering…I wonder what I would have been like if Mom finished raising me,

would I have such a colorful personality?

I wonder what my life would have turned out to be like and where I would be living now. I have very few memories of her as well, so I wonder what her voice sounded like, I wonder what her hair smelled like, I wonder how tall she would be standing next to me when we hugged.

would she have stood by me & my choices today?

I remember patchouli and silk and Janice Joplin and a hippy commune…these are a few things I hold on to. My mother was tiny – so all of her things I had would never have fit me if they would have lasted…but my aunt held on to this one shirt that still, if I smell hard enough, smells like the essence that I remember in the color of her eyes. So now on my birthday wearing my mother’s shirt – perhaps I can feel just a touch closer to knowing a memory and following in her phantom footsteps.